Update

We received an email from the Embassy several weeks ago notifying us that they were requiring an interview with the neighbor who had relinquished the girls to the orphanage after their mother's death. While we had been VERY hopeful that God would intervene and the Embassy would not require an interview in our case we took the news rather well if I do say so myself. We were grateful to hear that the Embassy was processing our case and we were taking steps forward, even if there were a few extra steps we were hopeful to see progress being made. A day or two later we received an email from our agency that they had requested an interview date in less then two weeks and then we began to get very excited. We began to make plans to travel and had a wonderful weekend while we waited for confirmation from the Embassy about our interview date. We had had so many ups and downs, the end was finally here and we were pumped. And then Monday morning came and we checked our email at 5am and that is the moment I completely broke! I completely crumbled, crumbled might not be the correct description, flipped out is probably more accurate, flipped out; you know crazy mad. Crazy mad?! You are probably wondering why and at who? And I hate to admit but crazy mad at God over two weeks, just two short weeks and I completely lost it. After 16 months, 2 weeks felt like an eternity, an eternity that I could not face at that moment. And after all God has seen us through, after the miracles He had done on behalf of our family, after the hundreds of times I had told my children and BJ "we have to trust God's perfect timing," after all of that I lost it over 2 weeks. I am not quite sure why. Even in the moment I knew I was being slightly irritional (which was confirmed by the look on BJ's face) but I did not care, I was beyond angry and I had a few things I felt entitled to get off my chest and they were all directed at God. BJ let me rant and rave for quite awhile, thank God all the kids were still tucked into their beds and completely unaware of their crazed mother. I reminded God (multiple times) that this was never my idea but His, that I had been quite happy with my 4 American children who were already living on the same continent with me! We had followed His leading and the least He could do was make it easy for us, right?! I questioned the sanity of anyone who would adopt, I think I used words such as "stupid, ridiculous, crazy and idiotic." I, Jennie Ruppel, who has declared that God has called me to spend my life, my money, my time, my talents, my future, and quite frankly my sanity to advocate for orphans was now questioning the entire thing, over two weeks. I could hear that quiet voice in my heart, asking me to relax, to breathe, to trust Him again but I told Him no. And then I spent a very sad and lonely morning trying to avoid Him. I tried to sleep, which was impossible. At 630am I cleaned my bathroom, that is right, my bathroom at 630 in my attempt to ignore Him. I was so excited to start school with the kids that morning which no, is not normal. Anything to stay busy. However, the kids and I started our school day with a time of prayer and after a few minutes of deviant thoughts realized I could not get out of the prayer time without being a complete hypocrit. So, we prayed and I told God that I missed Him, but would not say I was sorry (fortunately He did nto strike me with lightening). BJ came home at lunch to check on his lunatic of a wife and he said not to stay mad at God for too long. BJ was right, I was lonely, if I was not talking to God then who was I going to talk to? So, we made up and He forgave me, again. And I was reminded, again, of how much I need my Best Friend and my Savior.

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That afternoon I stood in our kitchen and asked God why adoption had to be so incredibly painful? If He wanted more orphans to find families why not make it easier? less painful?

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He answered me clearly, "Because you need to understand how painful your adoption was for Me, you need to feel a fraction of what I endured to adopt you. You need to feel so that you might understand what I have done."

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A vice seemed to grip my heart (much like it is right now as I type), how could it be that the God of the Universe would endure so much on my behalf? How do I rant and rave against Him who has loved me more then any other? How did He suffer for me and I ignore Him for the temperal cares of this world? How do I still understand so little of what He did? After all these years, I still don't get it. And yet, He is patient and long-suffering towards me and continually teaches me who He is.

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After all this time and all we have been through I can honestly say that I absolutely do NOT understand adoption, in the physical sense or the spiritual sense. It does not make sense, it really doesn't. Giving so much, enduring so much for 2 children I don't really know when I have 4 wonderful, healthy, happy children right here. It is crazy, but I see now that is the point; to show me how much He loved me and how crazy it was for Him to do what He did to adopt me. I did not really see that before this whole crazy adoption thing. I had spent too much time in church, it was too natural to me (yes, I said it, too much time in church!) I needed to step back and endure some of this pain to see and feel some of what He had endured on my behalf. His heart broke a thousand times over simply because He wanted to call me daughter. I am not sure why but I am so glad He adopted me. And I am so grateful for this delay, for this pain to better understand how much He loves me. I need that far more then anything else in my life.