The One that is forgotten

For many of us it is our mother, or maybe it is your father, sister, aunt, best friend or cousin; but regardless of the title they carry we all have them, that one that is always there.  The one that seems to have been there from the beginning, the one that we almost don't notice because they are just ingrained into the fabric of our lives.  The one that is often taken for granted.  In my life that one has been my mother, she is woven into every moment of my life, often in the background but yet always there.



There is one though, so often forgotten, so often ignored ~ the Holy Spirit, the One that was given to us as a Gift from our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.  A Gift that is often left in the corner unopened, still waiting for us to recognize Him, to see Him.



John 16:17 ~ "However, I am telling you nothing but truth when I say it is profitable for you that I go away.  Because if I do not go away, the Comforter will not come to you; but if I go away, I will send Him to you."



Amazing!!  The Son of God in human form, the God of the Universe standing before them wrapped in flesh and blood says I am telling you nothing but truth, it is profitable for them and us that He go away!  How could that ever be profitable for us?  What could we possibly have to gain from the loss of the man Jesus Christ standing amongst us?  Yet, He tells nothing but the truth ~ that He has sent another, the Comforter and it was for our gain that this Gift was given.  Our Comforter, our Constant Companion, the One that has always been and will always be and He is dwelling within in you if you have accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior. 



Yet, this Gift that was given is often underappreciated, under recognized, the least understood, rarely utilized and often He goes unseen by those of us He was given to.  Why do we do that?  Why do we choose to turn a blind eye to the One who is so faithful to us?



The Spirit of God indwells in our inner man.



Ephesians 3:16 ~ "that He may grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man."



For all the moments I did not stop to recognize, for all the moments I did not perceive, for all the moments I did not see You, for all those moments I write this blog to say thank You.



All the moments ~



The times I watched Will (BJ) walk away with a sea bag on his back to turn around to four sets of sad, teary eyes staring up at me to make it better and I did, because You were there and You gave me the words to say.  Thank You.



For all the times You were never too tired to sit up with me and cry over a sick baby in the middle of the night when my husband was buried on the bottom of the ocean, for the moments in the dark of the night that should have been maddenly lonely, but they weren't because You were there.  Thank You.



For the moments that seemed suspended in mid air as news that brought emotional pain that cut so deeply that I could feel the pain in the physical, for those minutes that I was sure would shatter my heart into too many pieces to rebuild; yet, You stood there in those exact moments and You caught each tiny little piece and You did rebuild.  For those I say thank You.



For the hours and days I danced with joy when all the world seemed to be just as it should be and You held my hand and danced beside me, thank You.



When You laughed at all my silly jokes when others were too busy to even hear me, let alone laugh, thank You.



For all the countless times I listened to lying, ugly voices in my head and You have stayed to whisper words of life, You patiently and lovingly repeated Yourself over and over again until I heard, You spoke words of love and life over me and to me, for all those words, thank You.



For the moments we have spent peacefully watching our children (because they are in fact our children aren't they?) chaotically rambling through life, the times we have sat with quiet, small smiles on our faces as the kiddos have run through life at full volume and full speed just as You have intended for children to do.  For those moments You have been there with me as Mom, thank You.



For the days when I could not muster a small smile at all my children's wild antics, for the days I have struggled to breathe a kind word to them yet I did because You gave me the words and the strength to speak them, for all those days, I thank You.



For the millions of moments You have stood beside me in the post office line, traipsing through the commissary, stirring yet another batch of spaghetti, for all the times You have done laundry and Geometry with me, for the minutes we spent stuck in traffic and all the times we pushed the kids on the swing, thank You.  Thank You, that You have never been too busy to run errands with me, discuss curriculum yet again or fix another meal.  For all the moments I was too preoccupied with the busyness of life to see that You busied Yourself right along with me just to be near me, thank You.



For the moment we sat in the back of a rickety, old van and we turned around to watch our two beautiful, dark skinned daughters as we drove away, for that moment when I was quite certain my heart would break and then You whispered into my heart, "don't fear Jennie, for while I go with you to place the pieces of your heart into a new order, I also stay right here with our girls and I will do all that they are in need of for I am a Gift given to them also."  For that moment that I am sure I could not have endured if not for You, thank You, from the bottom of my heart.



Spirit of God, give us the eyes to see and the ears to recognize this Gift that You are.  The Gift that has not nor will ever leave us nor forsake us.  Think of that ~ He will never leave You nor forsake you.  That is the gift we have been given, so in the moments you weep, weep with Him, in the moments you dance, dance with Him, when you have stories to tell, tell them to Him, when you have unanswered questions, ask Him, and when you stand in line at the post office, talk to Him.  Where ever life takes you, do not forget the One that has traveled this journey with you.  When your heart breaks and you do not have the words to utter, that is OK, in fact that is the best place to be because ~

"... the Spirit helps us in our weaknesses.  For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." (Romans 8:26)



Unwrap your Present and embrace Him for all that He was intended to be in your life for it is profitable for you in every way imaginable.

Psalm 68:5-6 ~

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy habitation.
God sets the solitary in families; He brings out those who are bound into prosperity..."

As you can imagine this verse is a tremendously important verse here in our home, it is a comfort and a promise that we repeatedly remind God of.  It is highlighted and underlined with stars next to it in my Bible.  I read it often, pray it even more often, sometimes silently in my heart, sometimes quietly under my breathe as I do laundry or dishes.  It is on a sticky note on my bathroom mirror and I have read and reread it in numerous different translations.  I continually remind God that He has promised us He will do what we can not ~ that He will be everything to countless orphans that we have met, that He will be the protector of the single mother's home and children, that He goes about His business of setting the lonely in families and that He sets the captives free and brings them into abundance and prosperity.  He is the Doer of the things that need to be done and so I pester Him with this verse, reminding Him, begging Him, pleading with Him to bring relief to the orphans, widows, the solitary and the bound.


But, as many times as I have prayed this I have had two nagging questions that creep up.  The first is with the actual wording of the Scripture and the second is with my reality or the way that I preceive my reality.  Recently my personal tutor, the Holy Spirit, who is ever patient and long-suffering brought an answer to both of my questions.  And in true God fashion He showed me that the answer to one dispels the confusion on the other.


The textual issue was with the phrase "in His holy habitation," it felt odd to me as I read it, almost out of place.  However, I know that Scripture is infalliable and the phrase was perfectly placed and I was the one out of place.  The reality issue continually dogged me because I found myself thinking about all those children who never find a family, the lonely who never join a home, the widow who is still scared and her needs appear to be unmet and the bound that stay bound.  His Word says that He is the Father, the Protector, and the One Who sets us in families and the One who brings us into prosperity; I knew what His Word said and I did want to doubt but I was seeing a different reality. 


One morning as I repeated the verses, I paused at the phrase "in His holy habitation" and He explained it ~ "it is a picture of My holy habitation, it is a picture of what I am in my holy habitation, it is not what I do but Who I am.  In my holy habitation there are no fatherless because they are with the Father and there is no widow (or single mother) because she is with her protector, no one is lonely because they are with their Creator and there can be no one bound when they are in the presence of Freedom.  It is a promise to claim for today and it is a picture of your tomorrow.  It is not out of place and it IS reality, it is My reality."  I was silent, with a stupid little grin on my face.  It was wonderful to rest in His promise and His picture.


Hebrews 11:1 ~

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."


We believe by faith in that which we can not see, yet.  But, as we take God at His word and realize Who He is in His holy habitation, then His promise and His picture becomes our reality here on earth even before we see it eternally in heaven.  And as His reality becomes our reality, as Who He is becomes who we are then we can share this reality with the hurting world around us. 


Psalm 68:5-6 is a picture of our tomorrow, yet we are not left just to suffer here on earth, we are given the incredible ability through the Spirit of God to paint this picture of Him in His holy habitation here in our daily, hourly lives.


He has called us to believe His promise and to live out His picture here, right where He has placed us.

Good things that satisfy

Psalm 103:5-8 ~ "Bless the Lord, O my soul; And all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits; Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases, Who redeems your life from destruction, Who crowns you with loving kindness and tender mercies, Who satisfies your mouth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."
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I read these Scriptures out loud in my prayers almost every morning ~ "Who satisfies your mouth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." Everyday I pray that God would teach me to be satisfied with His good things and not the things of this world. Some days are better then others; some days I rest in His strength and some days I rely on my own and undoubtedly wind up doing and saying things I wish I could take back.
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Interesting that David places "Who satisfies your mouth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's" after he has spoken about our iniquities, diseases, and destruction. Why does David now discuss satisfying our mouths with good things? I believe it is because he realizes that our mouths are so often an entry point for sin, disease and destruction to enter our bodies and therefore into our lives. David is trying to draw our attention to the incredibly destructive forces that lie behind so many of our habits and then to show us what our alternative is ~ God's good things that will restore our youth like the eagle's.
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Iniquities, disease and destruction ~ are always the outcome of the things we put into our mouths or let escape from our mouths when we are not completely dependent on God as our source. When we abide in God, when He is our Source we are satisfied. When God is not our source things begin to look a little different; we are unsatisfied, constantly trying to fill cravings and voids that can not be filled by anything found on this earth. We begin to fill those voids and subsequently our mouths with things He never intended for us to consume ~ cigarettes, alcohol, our modern day food, pills, gossip, slander, hateful speech, etc. God desires to fill us with His goodness but He often finds us in a state of already full. He is unable to give us "life and life more abundantly" because there is no room in the inn. We have already crowded our mouths and our bodies with things that bring disease and destruction and then we wonder why we are tired and weary.
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Every morning I pray those Scriptures aloud and every afternoon after hours of Algebra, Grammar, History, adding and subtracting, hours of dishes and cooking, answering the same question potentially dozens of times and refereeing the same fight over and over again I find that sugar, mass quantities of sugar are calling to me. "Jennie, oh Jennie, you need me, you deserve me and I will be a sweet get away right here in your own living room." These are the lies sugar tells me in my weak moments. And then sugar's evil twin, fast food, starts to call out too. "Jennie, do you really want to cook a meal, yet again? No, you don't, you want to spend your hard earned money (ok, Will's hard money) on a heart attack in a bag and then you want to share that heart attack with your beautiful children." And then if I am not careful another ugly voice begins to sound in my head and unfortunately this ugly voice enjoys spilling out of my mouth and into my children's ears. And this ugly voice says words in anger and frustration that they never deserve to hear. At this moment I have a choice ~ pray Psalm 103:7 aloud and use the Sword of the Spirit to destroy the lying voices in my head OR bring iniquity, disease and destruction into my body and family.
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He has good things to satisfy us but only if we are empty and available and we ask; so whatever iniquity or disease you are allowing into your life or whatever destruction you are allowing to spew from your mouth, let us lay it aside and instead take up the Sword of the Spirit and claim the promises He has laid before.
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The next time that cigarette begins to speak lies to you remember and say ~ "And forget not all His benefits" and when the bottle calls your name remind it that He is the one "Who forgives all your iniquities" and when the McDonald's drive through beckons you REBUKE it and firmly remind the McD that He "redeems your life from destruction" and when the sugar whispers sweet lies in my ear and angry words beg to come out of my mouth I will stand my ground on the Word of God and claim His promise to me ~ for He "satisfies my mouth with good things, so that my youth is renewed like the eagle's."
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He never intended for us to live from one addicted moment to the next, He intended for us to live this life abundantly blessed with His good things. God, grant us the strength to give you all the space to fill us with all that You are.

Who am I?

During the month of January we fasted and prayed, it was a wonderful month and a very long month which would accurately describe all of my times of fasting. We sought the Lord about many things but one particular question I had for Him was about my writing. I was seeking clear guidance in regards to my writing and He brought an answer during the fast and in the most unexpected way because He is an entirely unpredictable God. I spent the first few weeks after the answer came pondering His blessing towards my writing, smiling often when I thought of what He had done. But, as time went on I began to notice that my attitude towards writing was changing, I was not smiling anymore and to be honest I was not sure why.

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Over the last month I have prayed about it quite a bit but more then praying I was just worrying. And I was asking myself (and Will who is tired of hearing it I think) who am I? Who am I to write? Who am I to take time and ink and space with my words? Who am I? I have asked myself that quite often lately. Will (BJ) said it does not matter who you are, you just write out of obedience to God, quit worrying about it and write. But, I didn't and I couldn't.

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Who am I? ... it almost sounds as if it is humility and I think for a few weeks I convinced myself that it was. But it is not, it is narcissism and pride masquerading as humility. But the question itself betrays me, who am I? I ... that word quickly and easily demonstrates what I am concerned with ~ me. The question to answer is not who am I? but Who is He? Who is He that has asked me to write? Who is He that reveals truth to those of that will listen? Who is He, not who am I? I know I am unworthy of wasting anyone's time with what I have to say but I know that He is completely worthy and nothing is wasted that is given to Him in offering. (I may have borrowed the last part of that sentence from our Pastor, hopefully he does not mind sharing.)

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Who is He? He is the Author of eternal salvation (Hebrews 5:9) and the Author of God's creation (Rev. 3:14) and the Author of Life (Acts 3:15.) Who is He? He is an Author. He is my Author. He is THE Author. And when I write I am not the source, He is. I am not a writer, I am just the pen that He uses to put the words down on paper.

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I don't have to answer the question who am I? because I have already answered the only question that matters; who He is.

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With whatever He is asking us to do, let us not bother wasting time asking who are we? We already know the answer to that; we are sinful, unworthy, broken messes but when offered to the Almighty God we become instruments; His instruments to deliver the Gospel of Peace to a dying and hurting world.

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Who am I? unimportant ... Who is He? all that is important.

Update

We received an email from the Embassy several weeks ago notifying us that they were requiring an interview with the neighbor who had relinquished the girls to the orphanage after their mother's death. While we had been VERY hopeful that God would intervene and the Embassy would not require an interview in our case we took the news rather well if I do say so myself. We were grateful to hear that the Embassy was processing our case and we were taking steps forward, even if there were a few extra steps we were hopeful to see progress being made. A day or two later we received an email from our agency that they had requested an interview date in less then two weeks and then we began to get very excited. We began to make plans to travel and had a wonderful weekend while we waited for confirmation from the Embassy about our interview date. We had had so many ups and downs, the end was finally here and we were pumped. And then Monday morning came and we checked our email at 5am and that is the moment I completely broke! I completely crumbled, crumbled might not be the correct description, flipped out is probably more accurate, flipped out; you know crazy mad. Crazy mad?! You are probably wondering why and at who? And I hate to admit but crazy mad at God over two weeks, just two short weeks and I completely lost it. After 16 months, 2 weeks felt like an eternity, an eternity that I could not face at that moment. And after all God has seen us through, after the miracles He had done on behalf of our family, after the hundreds of times I had told my children and BJ "we have to trust God's perfect timing," after all of that I lost it over 2 weeks. I am not quite sure why. Even in the moment I knew I was being slightly irritional (which was confirmed by the look on BJ's face) but I did not care, I was beyond angry and I had a few things I felt entitled to get off my chest and they were all directed at God. BJ let me rant and rave for quite awhile, thank God all the kids were still tucked into their beds and completely unaware of their crazed mother. I reminded God (multiple times) that this was never my idea but His, that I had been quite happy with my 4 American children who were already living on the same continent with me! We had followed His leading and the least He could do was make it easy for us, right?! I questioned the sanity of anyone who would adopt, I think I used words such as "stupid, ridiculous, crazy and idiotic." I, Jennie Ruppel, who has declared that God has called me to spend my life, my money, my time, my talents, my future, and quite frankly my sanity to advocate for orphans was now questioning the entire thing, over two weeks. I could hear that quiet voice in my heart, asking me to relax, to breathe, to trust Him again but I told Him no. And then I spent a very sad and lonely morning trying to avoid Him. I tried to sleep, which was impossible. At 630am I cleaned my bathroom, that is right, my bathroom at 630 in my attempt to ignore Him. I was so excited to start school with the kids that morning which no, is not normal. Anything to stay busy. However, the kids and I started our school day with a time of prayer and after a few minutes of deviant thoughts realized I could not get out of the prayer time without being a complete hypocrit. So, we prayed and I told God that I missed Him, but would not say I was sorry (fortunately He did nto strike me with lightening). BJ came home at lunch to check on his lunatic of a wife and he said not to stay mad at God for too long. BJ was right, I was lonely, if I was not talking to God then who was I going to talk to? So, we made up and He forgave me, again. And I was reminded, again, of how much I need my Best Friend and my Savior.

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That afternoon I stood in our kitchen and asked God why adoption had to be so incredibly painful? If He wanted more orphans to find families why not make it easier? less painful?

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He answered me clearly, "Because you need to understand how painful your adoption was for Me, you need to feel a fraction of what I endured to adopt you. You need to feel so that you might understand what I have done."

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A vice seemed to grip my heart (much like it is right now as I type), how could it be that the God of the Universe would endure so much on my behalf? How do I rant and rave against Him who has loved me more then any other? How did He suffer for me and I ignore Him for the temperal cares of this world? How do I still understand so little of what He did? After all these years, I still don't get it. And yet, He is patient and long-suffering towards me and continually teaches me who He is.

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After all this time and all we have been through I can honestly say that I absolutely do NOT understand adoption, in the physical sense or the spiritual sense. It does not make sense, it really doesn't. Giving so much, enduring so much for 2 children I don't really know when I have 4 wonderful, healthy, happy children right here. It is crazy, but I see now that is the point; to show me how much He loved me and how crazy it was for Him to do what He did to adopt me. I did not really see that before this whole crazy adoption thing. I had spent too much time in church, it was too natural to me (yes, I said it, too much time in church!) I needed to step back and endure some of this pain to see and feel some of what He had endured on my behalf. His heart broke a thousand times over simply because He wanted to call me daughter. I am not sure why but I am so glad He adopted me. And I am so grateful for this delay, for this pain to better understand how much He loves me. I need that far more then anything else in my life.