I had just said those words, not but a moment before. And then walked out to retrieve my Bible, still in need of today's devotional consumption. I am currently reading through the Bible this year (or more accurately last year) with an amazing devotional (focused on missions) attached to each daily Bible reading. And I am behind. Very behind. Of course.
November 8th on January 1st, to be exact. And He would know. Exactly how far behind I was. And today, it would be there, because He always knows exactly where we really are. Regardless of the date on calendar, He knows where I am. Not where I say I should be or where the world tells me I ought to be — but where I am actually at. He knows and He loves anyways. So, November 8th was in actuality January 1st and He would know what I would need and better yet, what I could receive. For so often I am unable, unwilling to receive that which I so desperately need.
And I had just said those words, just moments before.
"No one has ANY expectations of me now. No one here expects me to write anything, speak anywhere, plan, adopt of organize a thing. They know me as a person to have no expectations of. Come or don't come — no one here cares whether I do or don't. Because no one expects a thing of me. AND I LIKE IT THAT WAY. Years of failure — and this is the way I want it now."
And he said (my husband that is, not God, granted God may have said a similar thing), "That is not right, you have to stop hiding. It is not right that no one expects anything of you. You need to stop hiding."
And then I walked out and grabbed my Bible and read November 8th on January 1st and You spoke words of hidden talents and being afraid and things of that sort that I certainly did not want to read, nor hear. And it was January 1st, not November 8th and truthfully, that is just not fair! Really! November 8th on the 1st of this new year, this new decade — it just does not seem quite fair.
Matthew 25:24 ~
". . . Lord, I know you to be a hard man, reaping where you have not sown, and gathering where you have not scattered seed. And I was afraid, and went and hid your talent in the ground . . . "
Sometimes God — You. Can. Be. So. Impossible.
How can I out wit that, reason or argue my way out of that one? He had just said those words about hiding and now You! You too! Rearranging time and determining from the very beginning, the very foundation of time that those words would be out of place, here today, when I can most receive them. That just does not seem fair at all.
November 8th on January 1st — Sometimes. You. Are. So. Impossible.
So, as to this burying talents and fear business — I just do not really know.
The servant had said to his master, "Lord, I know you to be a hard man . . . " and I do know, rightly know that God has determined to show Himself as quite the opposite in my life. In reality, He shows Himself to be patient, kind and terribly long suffering towards to me. No, in my life it is not God that has been the 'hard man' and I do know that I often confuse Him to be that 'hard man' — but He is in fact, not at all. He is not at all unfeeling nor callused to us and our fears and this nasty business of hidden talents. He is gentle in His leading, His guiding. He carries us as Father carries new born babe out into the fields, the deserts to our hidden and buried talents. He carries us gently, kindly and unburies that which He has gifted there; and shows us yet again, with such love. Always the love. Never anything but the love. In His eyes. And He reveals again that buried gift. Never hard. Always Love.
But, the message that servant spoke was not entirely lost on me. Things have been hard and I have been afraid, sorely afraid and have purposefully hidden talents. Because things are hard, often quite hard. So, I have intentionally dragged myself, shovel in hand, talents wrapped tightly away from the world and trudged into the middle of nowhere (figuratively and literally) and buried my talents.
And maybe, just maybe if I bury them far enough away, deep down within — then maybe the hard world will forget about me and stop being so hard on me. Maybe the enemy of my soul will just forget about me — for a moment and I can catch my breathe.
It is a cowardly way to live. I know. Cowardly.
And it actually does not seem to work either. For me or the servant in that parable. There is/was that matter of outer darkness and weeping and gnashing. (vs 30)
When you bury talents, things grow dim and darken from within. The outer darkness of buried treasures. Dreams dormant. Vision darkened and no longer visible. It is no way to live.
I do not want to live in the darkness anymore.
I do not want to weep another tear over things buried. And I certainly do not want to gnash my teeth on fear any longer.
"It is not right, you have to stop hiding," he (the mortal type) had said it.
But, on January 1st, You said that impossible November 8th thing and it sounded all too familiar.
It is time to stop hiding.
November 8th on January 1st, to be exact. And He would know. Exactly how far behind I was. And today, it would be there, because He always knows exactly where we really are. Regardless of the date on calendar, He knows where I am. Not where I say I should be or where the world tells me I ought to be — but where I am actually at. He knows and He loves anyways. So, November 8th was in actuality January 1st and He would know what I would need and better yet, what I could receive. For so often I am unable, unwilling to receive that which I so desperately need.
And I had just said those words, just moments before.
"No one has ANY expectations of me now. No one here expects me to write anything, speak anywhere, plan, adopt of organize a thing. They know me as a person to have no expectations of. Come or don't come — no one here cares whether I do or don't. Because no one expects a thing of me. AND I LIKE IT THAT WAY. Years of failure — and this is the way I want it now."
And he said (my husband that is, not God, granted God may have said a similar thing), "That is not right, you have to stop hiding. It is not right that no one expects anything of you. You need to stop hiding."
And then I walked out and grabbed my Bible and read November 8th on January 1st and You spoke words of hidden talents and being afraid and things of that sort that I certainly did not want to read, nor hear. And it was January 1st, not November 8th and truthfully, that is just not fair! Really! November 8th on the 1st of this new year, this new decade — it just does not seem quite fair.
Matthew 25:24 ~
". . . Lord, I know you to be a hard man, reaping where you have not sown, and gathering where you have not scattered seed. And I was afraid, and went and hid your talent in the ground . . . "
Sometimes God — You. Can. Be. So. Impossible.
How can I out wit that, reason or argue my way out of that one? He had just said those words about hiding and now You! You too! Rearranging time and determining from the very beginning, the very foundation of time that those words would be out of place, here today, when I can most receive them. That just does not seem fair at all.
November 8th on January 1st — Sometimes. You. Are. So. Impossible.
So, as to this burying talents and fear business — I just do not really know.
The servant had said to his master, "Lord, I know you to be a hard man . . . " and I do know, rightly know that God has determined to show Himself as quite the opposite in my life. In reality, He shows Himself to be patient, kind and terribly long suffering towards to me. No, in my life it is not God that has been the 'hard man' and I do know that I often confuse Him to be that 'hard man' — but He is in fact, not at all. He is not at all unfeeling nor callused to us and our fears and this nasty business of hidden talents. He is gentle in His leading, His guiding. He carries us as Father carries new born babe out into the fields, the deserts to our hidden and buried talents. He carries us gently, kindly and unburies that which He has gifted there; and shows us yet again, with such love. Always the love. Never anything but the love. In His eyes. And He reveals again that buried gift. Never hard. Always Love.
But, the message that servant spoke was not entirely lost on me. Things have been hard and I have been afraid, sorely afraid and have purposefully hidden talents. Because things are hard, often quite hard. So, I have intentionally dragged myself, shovel in hand, talents wrapped tightly away from the world and trudged into the middle of nowhere (figuratively and literally) and buried my talents.
And maybe, just maybe if I bury them far enough away, deep down within — then maybe the hard world will forget about me and stop being so hard on me. Maybe the enemy of my soul will just forget about me — for a moment and I can catch my breathe.
It is a cowardly way to live. I know. Cowardly.
And it actually does not seem to work either. For me or the servant in that parable. There is/was that matter of outer darkness and weeping and gnashing. (vs 30)
When you bury talents, things grow dim and darken from within. The outer darkness of buried treasures. Dreams dormant. Vision darkened and no longer visible. It is no way to live.
I do not want to live in the darkness anymore.
I do not want to weep another tear over things buried. And I certainly do not want to gnash my teeth on fear any longer.
"It is not right, you have to stop hiding," he (the mortal type) had said it.
But, on January 1st, You said that impossible November 8th thing and it sounded all too familiar.
It is time to stop hiding.
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