There are a few stories I do not want to tell you. Some things I wish could go unsaid.
Why can I not understand this man and the things he says?
I have dreamed this dream ~ this fairytale dream. This space, this fairytale space where I write in a way that speaks to you far beyond the words on a page. A story that tells tales of Home, a story that whispers to you of another way, a Better Way. I hear murmurs of this tale in the wind whispering to me through telling trees. I catch a glimpse in the crashing cacophony of waves breaking on shore. I see the telling tale calling us Home but yet, it lies just beyond my grasp.
A tale of the Lewis sort. Every story, every detail, every line! Causes us to be looking about for that ever present Lion! That Answer to our every question! His stories draw out a Hope from within. No word is wasted, no syllable squandered ~ it all runs with Meaning. As water to a thirsty soul, his stories are as a balm to our deepest aches. C.S. Lewis draws us Home, ever Home. Home is where we find our Healing.
Oh, to tell a telling that draws you closer to Home. A deep desire I have to tell tales that tell of the Answer.
And so I try. Blinking cursor. Blank page.
And so I pray. Empty journal. No lines. No tales.
And so I cry. Wasted tears. Even more wasted years.
He and I talk through this thing, yet again. God that is, He is the He and I am the I and the thing is this ever empty journal, this blank page. Just for clarity's sake.
We talk and He asks, "What about those other tales? The stories from the beginning? Our beginning?"
There are a few stories I do not want to tell you. Some things I wish could go unsaid ~
All these years into several decades later, I can still see him standing there. Who was this man? Standing there in the doorway, leaning casually against the counter. What is he saying to me? And why is my heart pounding and my palms pouring with sweat? What did he just say? Why is he standing so casually about as this very room spins into a rushing whirlwind, whirling and raging to drag us under? Why is he just standing there?
Why can I not understand this man and the things he says?
I was just a child. Just the moment before he spoke, I was a child. And that childhood would vanish in the instant he breathed those words.
"Well I guess I must say, 'Congratulations,' you are pregnant."
Why can't I breathe? Am I going to drown right here in the tidal waves raging about, right here before this man in white coat? Is this the end? My end? And why is this man ever speaking to me?
"But, I am assuming this is not what you planned so we can take care of 'that' here."
And the rushing whirlwind threatening to deafen me forever, the whipping wind working to silence me into eternity ~ vanished in that moment. The room steadied and I saw him. The ground ceased its tumultuous slamming about and I saw him and I heard him. Clearly. It was all crystal clear, perfectly clear. The confusion that had been holding my head under water was silenced.
"No. I will be keeping my baby."
At that point I had to walk away. From the writing that is not, not the doctor. I could not write it as it was ~ I could not find a way to take you there, back there all those years into the horrible room, that murderous place. I feel that space, those words as palpably as I feel my own heart beat ~ I can hear the rushing wind whipping fear and murder all about. But, I could not find the words to take you there. And we need to go back there. We need to hear the raging storm that threatens to steal life and murder hope, for it is all about in this dark world we sojourn through. And we can not hear it from our cushioned, air conditioned seats in the pews as we listen to the concert (I am sorry, the 'worship'). The murderous waves that scream and screech at young life, scared life, lost life and hopeless life ~ we can not hear it over the sound system. But, many will perish under it. Many will die hopeless in it, these screaming waves of death. And we must hear it, we must go back there and hear it.
So, I walked away.
And I asked Him, "How do we tell this? How can I take them there?"
And this is what He gave me ~
You split the seas so I could walk right through it. The rushing wind and waves of death and murder amassed on my every side BUT you split the seas and WE walked right through it!
A flood of violence had burst into that room and the rushing tidal wave of murder threatened to steal two lives.
Mine and hers.
But, this tiny little life, this beautiful ember burning brightly with hope and promise had a Warrior standing guard. He stands the watch.
And on that day that murder roared its thunderous raging scream in my ears — Warrior Father would silence it all and carry two of His babes safely away.
We walked away that day and we never looked back. She was never a "that," she was always a beautiful little life that carries the Spirit of God in her. She is gentle and kind, she is peaceful and calm. She is a blue eyed and curly haired beauty. She was never a "that." She was always a beautiful little life. And Warrior Father would war on her behalf, continually and consistently. He would deliver us out of the hands of violence and murder countless more times. Oh the ways He has warred for her. At times the warring has been breath taking and at times terrifying. This little life has tremendous value and worth to Him. Warrior Father will not stand for the wounding of His little ones.
He is bringing me full circle. These twenty-two years since He split those seas — I have not known that He warred that day on my behalf as well. There were two little lives brimming with Hope and Possibility and He was Warrior Father to them both. I have not known that. But, He is bringing me full circle. He loves life, ALL life. I was never just a vessel to carry forth His daughter, I was always daughter too. We, He and I, are coming about full circle.
How could I not know that? This murderous voice, this telling lies liar has continued to hound me. Scream at me. Whisper to me. Lie to me.
But, He is bringing me full circle.
He loved me that day. That day that many would call a resounding failure in the young life of a young woman. He loved me. And I had failed. I had failed myself. I had failed her. And I had surely failed Warrior Father. But, He loved me on and on and on and He loved me through those split seas of screeching lies.
And do you know His love is often His warring. He is a Warrior Father, He loves therefore He went to battle and decisively won the war. His people? His loving people? Need to be a warring people who war for life, ALL life.
"No. I will be keeping my baby."
At that point I had to walk away. From the writing that is not, not the doctor. I could not write it as it was ~ I could not find a way to take you there, back there all those years into the horrible room, that murderous place. I feel that space, those words as palpably as I feel my own heart beat ~ I can hear the rushing wind whipping fear and murder all about. But, I could not find the words to take you there. And we need to go back there. We need to hear the raging storm that threatens to steal life and murder hope, for it is all about in this dark world we sojourn through. And we can not hear it from our cushioned, air conditioned seats in the pews as we listen to the concert (I am sorry, the 'worship'). The murderous waves that scream and screech at young life, scared life, lost life and hopeless life ~ we can not hear it over the sound system. But, many will perish under it. Many will die hopeless in it, these screaming waves of death. And we must hear it, we must go back there and hear it.
So, I walked away.
And I asked Him, "How do we tell this? How can I take them there?"
And this is what He gave me ~
You split the seas so I could walk right through it. The rushing wind and waves of death and murder amassed on my every side BUT you split the seas and WE walked right through it!
A flood of violence had burst into that room and the rushing tidal wave of murder threatened to steal two lives.
Mine and hers.
But, this tiny little life, this beautiful ember burning brightly with hope and promise had a Warrior standing guard. He stands the watch.
And on that day that murder roared its thunderous raging scream in my ears — Warrior Father would silence it all and carry two of His babes safely away.
We walked away that day and we never looked back. She was never a "that," she was always a beautiful little life that carries the Spirit of God in her. She is gentle and kind, she is peaceful and calm. She is a blue eyed and curly haired beauty. She was never a "that." She was always a beautiful little life. And Warrior Father would war on her behalf, continually and consistently. He would deliver us out of the hands of violence and murder countless more times. Oh the ways He has warred for her. At times the warring has been breath taking and at times terrifying. This little life has tremendous value and worth to Him. Warrior Father will not stand for the wounding of His little ones.
He is bringing me full circle. These twenty-two years since He split those seas — I have not known that He warred that day on my behalf as well. There were two little lives brimming with Hope and Possibility and He was Warrior Father to them both. I have not known that. But, He is bringing me full circle. He loves life, ALL life. I was never just a vessel to carry forth His daughter, I was always daughter too. We, He and I, are coming about full circle.
How could I not know that? This murderous voice, this telling lies liar has continued to hound me. Scream at me. Whisper to me. Lie to me.
But, He is bringing me full circle.
He loved me that day. That day that many would call a resounding failure in the young life of a young woman. He loved me. And I had failed. I had failed myself. I had failed her. And I had surely failed Warrior Father. But, He loved me on and on and on and He loved me through those split seas of screeching lies.
And do you know His love is often His warring. He is a Warrior Father, He loves therefore He went to battle and decisively won the war. His people? His loving people? Need to be a warring people who war for life, ALL life.
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