I stood for worship this morning and I stood with the familiar ache, the heavy that weighs down and causes shoulders to slump and the light to dull in the eyes that should shine bright. This is too familiar, all too familiar. How on this day, just two days shy of His coming, how are the eyes dim? Why do the shoulders hang and why does my heart weep that inward moan?
Have I done it again? Have I lost sight again? I run down the list ~ five hundred gifts given to children from all over our community ~ done. Check. Next in line ~ give more away then we take this year and this Christmas season ~ done. Check. What else ~ walk through the Advent devotional with the family, almost done. Partial Check. What am I missing ~ continually remind children and myself that it is better to give then to receive (my Hero said that once upon a time) done. Check.
Yet, here I stand with my list of checks and yet I still feel that dull ache, that throb that beats of empty in my heart and soul.
And then we begin worship ~
"A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
Fall yonder breaks a new and glorious morn,
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born!"
And a dam breaks open that I had not realized I had rebuilt and I remember, I forgot to fall to my knees and I had not heard the angel voices over the din of this dark world where evil visits babies and this world that has willingly replaced the only true Gift with worldly gifts. I forgot that the angels' chorus plays on and on regardless of this selfish world that spins itself towards madness, they sing on in their love song for surely they know Who it is that they worship. They know, it is us who forget.
And the dam continues to crack and spill and He reminds me that the list of checks ~ that is what I do, but this moment that I spread arms and rejoice with the angels ~ this is who I am. And the ache subsides and throbbing beats a new rhythm, a rhythm of peace and joy. And this weary world, my weary world, can cry with the thrill of hope ~ His hope.
We stay through to the next service ~ I need to hear the voices of the angels again and more and louder and I need to hear them above this present din and darkness.
And I sing again ~
"How I need you, How I need you,
Oh Jesus, walk with me ..."
And He does, He walks again and again with me and as we walk the failure that haunts me falls aside and the worry and fret for these hurting children drops off and the din quiets and the darkness fades and this Babe in a manger, He becomes my Everything, again.
And in this season of coming, He came again to this unworthy daughter and He came as He came that night, O night divine, He came humbly and quietly and He healed hurts just by His presence.
And voices lifted high again and again and I hear the words and I live the words ~
"Your presence is heaven to me"
He teaches again, this race I run, has nothing to do with lists and checks, it has nothing do with what I can do but only to do with who I am in Him. That is the race I run.
Have I done it again? Have I lost sight again? I run down the list ~ five hundred gifts given to children from all over our community ~ done. Check. Next in line ~ give more away then we take this year and this Christmas season ~ done. Check. What else ~ walk through the Advent devotional with the family, almost done. Partial Check. What am I missing ~ continually remind children and myself that it is better to give then to receive (my Hero said that once upon a time) done. Check.
Yet, here I stand with my list of checks and yet I still feel that dull ache, that throb that beats of empty in my heart and soul.
And then we begin worship ~
"A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
Fall yonder breaks a new and glorious morn,
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born!"
And a dam breaks open that I had not realized I had rebuilt and I remember, I forgot to fall to my knees and I had not heard the angel voices over the din of this dark world where evil visits babies and this world that has willingly replaced the only true Gift with worldly gifts. I forgot that the angels' chorus plays on and on regardless of this selfish world that spins itself towards madness, they sing on in their love song for surely they know Who it is that they worship. They know, it is us who forget.
And the dam continues to crack and spill and He reminds me that the list of checks ~ that is what I do, but this moment that I spread arms and rejoice with the angels ~ this is who I am. And the ache subsides and throbbing beats a new rhythm, a rhythm of peace and joy. And this weary world, my weary world, can cry with the thrill of hope ~ His hope.
We stay through to the next service ~ I need to hear the voices of the angels again and more and louder and I need to hear them above this present din and darkness.
And I sing again ~
"How I need you, How I need you,
Oh Jesus, walk with me ..."
And He does, He walks again and again with me and as we walk the failure that haunts me falls aside and the worry and fret for these hurting children drops off and the din quiets and the darkness fades and this Babe in a manger, He becomes my Everything, again.
And in this season of coming, He came again to this unworthy daughter and He came as He came that night, O night divine, He came humbly and quietly and He healed hurts just by His presence.
And voices lifted high again and again and I hear the words and I live the words ~
"Your presence is heaven to me"
He teaches again, this race I run, has nothing to do with lists and checks, it has nothing do with what I can do but only to do with who I am in Him. That is the race I run.
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