Messy

Life is so messy, so very messy.  I have spent a considerable amount of time and energy trying to shield my children from this mess that is my life.  I have prayed, cleaned, tidied and sanitized our lives; I have cleaned house a hundred times and continually feel prompted by God to rid our family of the trash that the world likes to drag in.  God has been ever faithful and has washed us in His Word, repeatedly.  And then He asked us to do a strange thing ~ He asked us to make the mess and the pain part of our family, permanently.  I wrestled with God in the beginning about subjecting my four oldies to some of the pain our Adversary readily heaps on the orphans of this world.  I found myself asking, "God, you can't be willing to put the oldies at risk for a few nameless, faceless orphans?"  And He gave me an unexpected yet resoundingly firm answer,"YES." And then He asked me a question (never a good sign when a question comes,) "do you believe your children are more important to Me then My orphans?  While they may be nameless and faceless to you, they certainly are not to Me.  Would I subject Tay, Trae, Cole and Grace to pain, sacrifice and discomfort to usher more children into My kingdom?  Well duh?! Of course I would!!"  OK, so the well duh? was my interpretation but you understand His point too, my children are no more important to God then any child any where in the world just because they are my children.  And the greatest gift we can ever give to our children is the gift of Jesus and my four oldies understand Jesus on a far deeper level then I ever did as a child or teen, sometimes their understanding seems to run far deeper then their father's or mine.  There is a profound purity to their innocence and their willingness to trust God in all things.  Another adoption, sure!!  Two or three more Ruppels, of course!!  Moving this show overseas so we can care for more hurting orphans, ABSOLUTELY!!  They are all in with God and they have begun to learn what many Christians will never learn ~ to minister all the time, around the clock, in the their own home and enduring hourly sacrifices that most people will never be aware of; all for two, little strangers.  Strangers, that have invaded their homes and lives, have disrupted all they have known for the last 14 years, strangers that are often ungrateful and distant, strangers.  But, my four oldies seem to understand a truth at a such a young age that took me 32 years to accept and embrace ~ that while they are strangers to me they are entirely known and loved by God and He completely expects His church, His bride to fully engage in the care and ministry of those whom we consider "strangers." 

Life is messy, life is painful but out of great pain comes great joy.  You can not know true joy until you have experienced true pain and when you willingly embrace the pain of a "stranger" His blessings are astounding. 

Medical Update

A few weeks ago Rue was diagnosed with spherocytosis ~ a genetic blood disease that affects the cell membrane of her red blood cells, causing the cells to be irregularly shaped.  These red blood cells are still healthy cells but her spleen does not recognize them as such so it consumes them.  So, Rue is left with a very enlarged spleen and very low hemoglobin (which explains the constant afternoon naps.)  While this disease is not curable (except by the hand of God) it is manageable and we are educating ourselves on how best to care for her.  The doctors want to spend the next few months drawing regular blood panels on her so that they are able to determine a baseline for her and build some medical history before they make any further decisions about treating her.  A few issues they will be looking at in the future are removal of the spleen and gall bladder, determining how her immune system responds to sickness, and watching to see if she has any severe drops in her blood numbers.  Spherocytosis explains all the issues Will and I have wondered about ~ her slow growth rate, jaundice (we noticed in our December trip) and her constant fatigue. 

Rue has endured all of the visits to the doctor, multiple blood draws and all the poking and prodding of the last few weeks with her sweet smile fully in tact.  She has lived with pain and discomfort all her life and she actually seems relieved to finally have medical attention (even though that attention involves a few needles.)

This all began a few weeks ago when we headed to Charleston, SC to take the girls to the international adoption clinic at MUSC (Medical University of South Carolina and BJ's alma mater) to have a complete physical done for both girls.  We spent about 5 hours in the clinic being ushered from one part of the clinic to the next and the girls received a full battery of tests.  After our day at the hospital we met my family for dinner and when we got back in the car I had a message from a very concerned doctor.  Now you have to understand that up until this point I have had nothing but amazingly healthy children, beginning in their pregnancies and carrying through to current day.  I completely take for granted that my children are like small work horses and are doing fabulous physically.  I lean very heavily to little to no medication and minimize trips to the doctor as much as possible; I am a firm believer in a healthy diet, a healthy living environment, plenty of sunshine and exercise, some good old fashioned "you are fine, you will survive the runny nose" medicine, and a lot of prayer.  So, when I heard a very nervous doctor's voice asking me to "please call as soon as possible and you might need to bring her back to us and admit her" I was completely caught off guard. When we spoke and she began throwing around terms like "sickle cell" and "other genetic blood disorders" I frantically took notes on a scrap of paper I found in the car and found my mind swimming around in the dark looking for some solid ground to stand on.  Ruppel kids are work horses, but I think I forgot to send that memo to Rue's tired little body.

As we drove back to Beaufort that night BJ and I hardly spoke, we both just prayed.  I reminded God that we had been completely willing to work with the whole "deaf thing" but a sick child too?  That was supposed to be the next adoption, after we had learned to navigate this crazy new life of ours.  And I almost immediately felt guilty because I had had no idea how sick she was and then He said, "but I knew how sick she was and that is why I brought her to you, so you can care for her."  In ET she had not been diagnosed and was receiving no medical treatment which would most likely have led to a spleen rupture or a crisis in her hemoglobin levels that her body could not have recovered from.  After God's conversation with me that night I was fully convinced that she would have died a premature death in ET but He had a better plan for her and He has given us the privilege of being a part of His plan for Rue's life.  So, God flew her half way around the world and deposited her into a home that happens to be near a phenomenal medical university with an outstanding adoption clinic and people say God does not do miracles anymore!  Actually, every night that I tuck my six little darlings safely into bed and I have not lost any of them that day, they are clean in clean beds, somewhat happy, their bellies are full of healthy food and I have not rung any one's neck that day is a small miracle!!  And God does that everyday here.

So now, three weeks later we have wrapped our heads around her condition and are comfortable about the medical care she will need.  Tonight it feels normal, she is deaf and a little sick, that is who she is (for now, you never know what God has up His sleeve!) and we are blessed everyday to be a part of her life and to watch God move on her behalf.  Since the beginning of this adoption process BJ and I and our four oldies have had front row seats to some pretty amazing miracles and I would not trade a moment of this "new, crazy life" for a moment of the "old, normal life." 

A life completely invested in Him should look entirely abnormal and certainly a little crazy.

Mother's Day

What is a Mother's Day when you are unsure of your new mother?  Interesting and a little painful.  A child who is homesick for her country and for her birth mother does not readily engage in a day of celebration of this new woman who attempts to claim the title of Mom.  And nagging, doubtful thoughts dance around my mind and I wonder, will next Mother's Day be better?  And yet, in the same moment that these hurtful thoughts dance across my mind I see the shadows of a gift given dance across the walls and I hear His voice, His ever-present voice.  His gentle words direct me to the shadowy words across my wall that speak of beauty in His time, beauty in My time ... 

Ecclesiastes 3:11 ~ "He has made everything beautiful in its time..."

Give Me time and you will see the thing of beauty that becomes of this bond between daughter and mother, give Me time and you will see the beauty that becomes of this bond between daughter and her heavenly Father.  And as the words dance along the wall ~ this white washed military wall, in a room furnished almost entirely with hand me down furniture, a room that stands sparse and entirely unlovely, I see His beauty dance before my eyes.  And I am reminded that it is entirely possible and even yet promised to be a thing of beauty, this relationship between daughter and mother.  And I read on in my Bible ~

Ecclesiastes 3:14 ~ "I know that whatever God does, It shall be forever..."  A promise spoken directly to me for you see, this relationship of mother and daughter was done by God and it shall be forever.  But, He is not done, He continues on and speaks words of life to my hurting and tired heart and ...

vs 15 ~ "That which is has already been, and what is to be has already been..." 

And you see, it is already a thing of beauty, this child and her mother already are and we have been and we will forever be a thing of beauty in the eyes of the One that has done this thing. 

So, I do not just look forward to that which will be for it already is, so I look no further then that which is before me and I see, I pray I see as He sees ~ beauty.

And in moments of self-pity I ask Him, "how can I love that which does not want to be loved?"  And He patiently reminds me of my own adoption and that He loved me first, long before I saw my need for His love.  He paid the ultimately terrible price to bring me into His family and yet I turned a blind eye to His love and suffering and I stood in the distance in rebellion and diffidence and I shunned His redemption. Yet, He loved on and He loved passionately and He never asked, "how can I love that which receives not my love?"  He just loved on and on and He loved the unlovable and His love turned the unlovable into a thing of beauty.

Can I love that which spurns my love?  No, I can not, but He can and He will and He does and He speaks a kind word through my mouth and through my hand He lays a healing Hand gently on a wounded and scarred back.

And this Mama is eternally grateful to her daughter that has been brought to her through this stormy, messy thing called adoption because God has used this little girl to show her Mama how much He loves her and the awful pain that He went through to bring this Mama home and I thank God everyday for revealing Himself to me and adopting me.

Mother's Day?  There is always next year, and 5 out 6 is not bad, right?

Update

OK, so have you ever wondered what it would be like to collect stool samples on an eleven and twelve year old with questionable digestive tracts?  If so, let me tell you it is AWESOME!!!  But, I have to say watching the 6'2", 200 lb Texan gag while writing the names on the vile was PRICELESS!!!  Bearing in mind that all the 6'2", 200lb Texan had to do was write the names on the little bottle, yours truly had collected and bottled the stool.  Don't mess with Texas, unless of course it involves children's stool and then you had better call in the big guns, California!!

Funny story ~ 

Once upon a time there were two very naive and idealistic adoptive parents who conjured up a picturesque family outing to the zoo, what could be better then 6 children and their two (stupid) parents at the zoo?!  Our parents reasoned, "they have been home for over a month, we can handle this."  Our young mother (well, somewhat young) mother envisions wonderful family pictures of her six little darlings gaily moving about the park, which in reality is quite funny when these six little darlings have yet to leave the house all wearing shoes, matching socks, without food or snot dried to their darling little faces and without their hair looking as if they just stuck their hand in a light socket.  However, our naive parents take one step further into total and utter loss of their senses and decide to stay in a hotel with the sweet little darlings.  The family checks in and unpacks and then heads out for a swim, no children drown and we are off to a great start.  Everyone is sharing a room, we are together as a family, what could possibly go wrong?  Our senseless mother rides up the elevator after the swim and dinner and smiles a little smile of peace and satisfaction, enjoying this "normal" outing with her family.  A light begins to dawn in her tired and overwhelmed mind, a light at the end of the tunnel, she ponders the idea of being a "normal" family again sometime soon.  What was she thinking!!!

Well, I can tell you one thing that she was not thinking about was the hotel fire alarms that say, "Fire, Pull."  I am quite sure that she was not planning on meeting the Columbia fire department, nor being "that family" that just set off a very loud and quite scary hotel fire alarm.  She was not imagining that her child would make several young children in a hotel lobby blubber like babies when the deafening alarm sounded.  No, she did ponder meeting the hotel managers under these less then ideal circumstances.  And when she stood listening to her husband explain to the HUGE firefighters that his daughter had newly arrived from ET and there was a serious language barrier and when the fireman looked at her husband with shock and disbelief on his face and said, "permanently?  this is permanent?" she could only laugh (and maybe fight back a tear or two of embarrassment) and pray silently, "Dear Jesus, this is permanent, sweet Jesus, help us."  And He did.

How did our sweet little darling do it?  She did it with 4 of our her siblings standing no further then 2 feet from her.  Why did she do it?  Well, it says pull on it!  That is very misleading.

So fast forward to the next morning (after our naive mom spent the evening hiding in her hotel room) and she is in the shower begging God that no lions get set free, no bears are let loose to roam and romp about the park and please God do not let our Ethiopian darling find her way into the snake house, please God, no snake house.  And God heard her prayer and their day at the park was wonderfully uneventful and she even had a few photo ops of her six little darlings!

A side note to this story, when I used the word HUGE to describe the fireman that might be a slight understatement, when I tell you that God sent over the largest firefighters ever seen I kid you not.  God certainly had a good laugh that night as these men stared us down and not so politely explained to our skinny little Ethiopian that the fire alarm is NO JOKE!!  Got it, write that one down in the baby book.  Man, this is going to be a great baby book!

I tell funny stories because right now I need to laugh and not cry.  Right now I need to remind myself that God can handle flooded kitchens, rotten apple cores, hotel fire alarms and everything else we can throw at Him and as situations arise that are not funny in the slightest I need to step back and laugh when I can.  The last week has been painful, very painful, I will not write about it until I have more conclusive answers but please pray for us. 

God is good, all the time.