I do not really remember when it began, or what was the final blow that pushed me over the edge. But, never the less, over the edge I fell with this one. This one whose delays are staggering, this one and their incapability steal my breath away, daily. Not in that, beauty of a majestic mountain, steal your breath away sort of way. No, not that way at all. It is more of a, fear and worry begin to squeeze lungs in a death grip, sort of way. I feel as if I became a lifer. A life sentence was issued to us. And not a life sentence as you are thinking ~the life sentence we all expect, of Thanksgiving visits and concerns as they pack their bag for boot camp and too few phone calls home. No, these are not lifers. Lifers are ~ I will cook your dinner when you are 50 and I can barely move and I will drive you to your dentist appointment when I no longer have dentist appointments myself because I no longer have teeth! These are lifers and I have to wonder, did I just join a club that I never saw coming?
But, it happened somewhere, and I stepped over the edge with this one and now whenever I see this one, I feel exhausted, completely exhausted.
Exhaustion. Fatigue. That is all I see when I see this one. Many may say, "Fine, take a nap." But please understand, there is no amount of naps that can cure a lifers' fatigue. The exhaustion resonates deep within, you wake up tired and you stay tired. Tired of a task you can not complete. Weary of the impossible.
So, I took a step and plummeted deep and I simply stopped trying on behalf of this one.
I have labored under similar burdens before, same story, different name. But, I quit on this one. And I told God, "Ok, I will cook and clean and chauffeur and spoon feed this one through life. But, I will not labor under the burden to teach and hope for a change. The delays are profound, everything appears to be broken so I will clothe and feed but I am too weary to work for change. I am a lifer, not a game-changer. I am tapping out of the game-changing business with this one."
Fortunately, He did not strike me with lightning
To those of you who know the Navy (which is likely only my father and husband) the following will bore you, for everyone else allow me to explain the ranking system around here.
CO ~ Commanding Officer, Most Senior Man, His Word goes, it is Gospel you could say.
XO ~ Executive Officer, 2nd in command, he ensures that the CO's Word is followed and that the rank and file understand and comply. This of course is my husband.
Senior Chief ~ this is the senior enlisted man on the ground, he is the dirty enlisted (said in love by the officers I am sure), he gets his hands dirty with his men and they stay dirty. He may be uneducated or unrefined (he may not, each chief is different), he may even be a little rough around the edges but he gets the job done and he takes care of his men, his junior enlisted. He has thrived on OJT (on the job training) and his years in the field have afforded him wisdom no classroom could offer. This is me. Maybe someday my XO will promote me to Master Chief and a little pay increase will be doled out in books, tea and running shoes.
Now you understand our rank structure and our job descriptions have been defined, maybe someday I will explain the structure through the junior enlisted. I have two leading firsts who will make you cry with their goodness, effort and commitment to this crazy ship we call a home and family.
But, I digress.
My XO had said, "Senior, snap out of it, you never leave a man behind!" Just kidding, my military euphemisms may have reached their limit.
But, truly the XO has gently encouraged me (gently due to a senior enlists' prone to angry outbursts) to not loose heart and not accept the sentence of lifer without some serious game-changing tactics being employed (aka prayer, fasting, Scripture and due diligence to teaching life skills and believing in the Impossible). Apparently, God knew what He was doing when He made him the XO and me the dirty enlisted (I jest with the dirty thing).
However, I have continued to resist, exhaustion will make you do stupid things.
I had stepped over the edge with this one and I was not willing to expend the energy to drag myself back up the side of the cliff.
Fine, whatever, I am a lifer.
Yesterday, the hint of Fall cool touched my face and the trees rustled and the breeze blew gently. It was a moment.
And then the CO said, "Let's talk about this one."
"Oh, come on! We were having a moment! Why ruin it with chastisement for my step over the edge! Let's leave that one be," was my truly profound response.
He simply said, "When you leave it be and nothing changes I get no glory."
Oh my, now this was a moment.
"It is not about you or even this one, it is about Me. Do it for Me, to glorify Me. When the game changes and the impossible becomes the Possible then everyone sees Me. Lift Me up and I will draw them to Me."
The winds shifted and a new breeze blew through my soul and spirit. And the CO and I had a moment. A serious moment.
When a shift in the Wind comes then the rank and file need to aline, immediately.
When we stay broken He gets no glory. When we refuse the hand of the Healer He is not lifted up. He is a Game-Changer but first, we have to let Him into our game.
What are you unwilling to change? What addiction haunts you? What brokenness do you allow to persist? What sin do you harbor? What relationships lay in ruin that you refuse to relinquish to Him?
Many do not know that their addiction can be broken or the relationships restored or their broken hearts healed, they have no idea that a Healer named Jesus sits on the sidelines of their life desiring to be brought in for the game changing move.
But, for those of us that know and willingly choose the addiction or depression rather then glorify Christ, I wonder what He will say to us? And to the countless ones around us who are in desperate need of witnessing the miracles in our life, what will they say to us if we decide for sin rather then freedom?
He receives no glory when we stay broken.
And why is broken chosen rather then whole?
The XO and I have some praying and planning to do for this one because when this broken one becomes His whole one and the name of Jesus is lifted high, I want to be around for that.
Broken becoming whole, that is the race I run today and I pray He grants me the strength to run that race as a lifer.
But, it happened somewhere, and I stepped over the edge with this one and now whenever I see this one, I feel exhausted, completely exhausted.
Exhaustion. Fatigue. That is all I see when I see this one. Many may say, "Fine, take a nap." But please understand, there is no amount of naps that can cure a lifers' fatigue. The exhaustion resonates deep within, you wake up tired and you stay tired. Tired of a task you can not complete. Weary of the impossible.
So, I took a step and plummeted deep and I simply stopped trying on behalf of this one.
I have labored under similar burdens before, same story, different name. But, I quit on this one. And I told God, "Ok, I will cook and clean and chauffeur and spoon feed this one through life. But, I will not labor under the burden to teach and hope for a change. The delays are profound, everything appears to be broken so I will clothe and feed but I am too weary to work for change. I am a lifer, not a game-changer. I am tapping out of the game-changing business with this one."
Fortunately, He did not strike me with lightning
To those of you who know the Navy (which is likely only my father and husband) the following will bore you, for everyone else allow me to explain the ranking system around here.
CO ~ Commanding Officer, Most Senior Man, His Word goes, it is Gospel you could say.
XO ~ Executive Officer, 2nd in command, he ensures that the CO's Word is followed and that the rank and file understand and comply. This of course is my husband.
Senior Chief ~ this is the senior enlisted man on the ground, he is the dirty enlisted (said in love by the officers I am sure), he gets his hands dirty with his men and they stay dirty. He may be uneducated or unrefined (he may not, each chief is different), he may even be a little rough around the edges but he gets the job done and he takes care of his men, his junior enlisted. He has thrived on OJT (on the job training) and his years in the field have afforded him wisdom no classroom could offer. This is me. Maybe someday my XO will promote me to Master Chief and a little pay increase will be doled out in books, tea and running shoes.
Now you understand our rank structure and our job descriptions have been defined, maybe someday I will explain the structure through the junior enlisted. I have two leading firsts who will make you cry with their goodness, effort and commitment to this crazy ship we call a home and family.
But, I digress.
My XO had said, "Senior, snap out of it, you never leave a man behind!" Just kidding, my military euphemisms may have reached their limit.
But, truly the XO has gently encouraged me (gently due to a senior enlists' prone to angry outbursts) to not loose heart and not accept the sentence of lifer without some serious game-changing tactics being employed (aka prayer, fasting, Scripture and due diligence to teaching life skills and believing in the Impossible). Apparently, God knew what He was doing when He made him the XO and me the dirty enlisted (I jest with the dirty thing).
However, I have continued to resist, exhaustion will make you do stupid things.
I had stepped over the edge with this one and I was not willing to expend the energy to drag myself back up the side of the cliff.
Fine, whatever, I am a lifer.
Yesterday, the hint of Fall cool touched my face and the trees rustled and the breeze blew gently. It was a moment.
And then the CO said, "Let's talk about this one."
"Oh, come on! We were having a moment! Why ruin it with chastisement for my step over the edge! Let's leave that one be," was my truly profound response.
He simply said, "When you leave it be and nothing changes I get no glory."
Oh my, now this was a moment.
"It is not about you or even this one, it is about Me. Do it for Me, to glorify Me. When the game changes and the impossible becomes the Possible then everyone sees Me. Lift Me up and I will draw them to Me."
The winds shifted and a new breeze blew through my soul and spirit. And the CO and I had a moment. A serious moment.
When a shift in the Wind comes then the rank and file need to aline, immediately.
When we stay broken He gets no glory. When we refuse the hand of the Healer He is not lifted up. He is a Game-Changer but first, we have to let Him into our game.
What are you unwilling to change? What addiction haunts you? What brokenness do you allow to persist? What sin do you harbor? What relationships lay in ruin that you refuse to relinquish to Him?
Many do not know that their addiction can be broken or the relationships restored or their broken hearts healed, they have no idea that a Healer named Jesus sits on the sidelines of their life desiring to be brought in for the game changing move.
But, for those of us that know and willingly choose the addiction or depression rather then glorify Christ, I wonder what He will say to us? And to the countless ones around us who are in desperate need of witnessing the miracles in our life, what will they say to us if we decide for sin rather then freedom?
He receives no glory when we stay broken.
And why is broken chosen rather then whole?
The XO and I have some praying and planning to do for this one because when this broken one becomes His whole one and the name of Jesus is lifted high, I want to be around for that.
Broken becoming whole, that is the race I run today and I pray He grants me the strength to run that race as a lifer.
